The curiosity here is around reactivity, and when fight, flight or freeze might take over for either of you in the relationship. This is a conversation that needs to happen when you are NOT in the middle of an argument. This is a gentle conversation grounded in genuine curiosity about how you both feel during conflict.
Both of you come into the relationship with individual experiences around conflict. One of you might have learned to stay until the end of a conflict, and the other learned that it is normal for one of you to storm off and be passive-aggressive for days after.
- What is it in a conversation that triggers you?
- What happens to you when you are triggered?
- Where does that come from?
- When do you stop feeling safe?
- How can you let your partner know that you have stopped feeling safe?
- How can you make it feel safer?
Having this discussion and increasing understanding of one another can be a game-changer during the conflict. Remember that it is not the conflict that is the issues, but how you resolve the conflict.
Conflict can be an opportunity to learn one another more deeply. When we can give up being right and the need to get our point across and move into a space of curiosity and listening, this is the healing space.